what i wish i could say

I wish I could say that I’ve been doing super productive things. I wish I could say that I was totally engrossed in self-care activities. I wish I could say that I was just too busy to pay attention to all things online. But I can’t.

What I will say is honest.

I’ve been down in the freaking dumps. I’ve struggled with my anxiety. I’ve wondered if I would actually be diagnosed as depressed. I’ve been in touch with my eTherapist. I’ve taken extra time off. I’ve struggled to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve struggled to spend time with family and friends. I’ve thought about how bummed out I seem to get when my love life is in the dumps. I’ve thought about how much I hate when people spout the old “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself” or “how can you expect someone else to love you if you don’t love you?”

I’ve eaten a lot of crappy food. I’ve eaten a lot of good food. I’ve just eaten a lot of food. So there’s presently more of me to love (or not love, depends on when or who you ask).

But I’m starting to turn that around.

It’s the second annual salad challenge. I’m failing quite miserably, even with the expanded “rules” … but I am eating more healthfully and conscientiously. I’m using my gym pass. I’ve not ventured far from the “random” setting on the treadmill, but I’ve started the month strong and the scale is responding in the right way. I’m making plans with friends and keeping them. I’m recognizing when I need a day off and am taking it. I’m getting involved with my community through volunteerism. And I’m researching all sorts of potential education opportunities. [Truthfully, the volunteerism and one of those opportunities could potentially be quite intricately linked.]

I’m making the efforts to feel better. To be better. And to do better.

I wish I could say that I’ve accomplished all the betters listed above, but the truth is that I think they’re always going to be a work in progress.

hard truths of the early 30s

With eight weeks left in my early* 30s, it feels like a good time to reflect on the past ~3 years.

  1. You’ll break your 30s into three-year chunks because it makes you feel life you can leave parts of the decade behind so you can do better when the next three years come.
  2. You’ll accomplish some things. Like finally finishing that degree. Or buying a home.
    1. You might even be the only gal you know who bought that home on her own.
  3. Anxiety is real. It can be vicious and it is real.
    1. For me, it feel like a giant constrictor is squeezing the life out of me. Everything that goes with that, from the hot/cold sweats, the GI upset, the difficulty breathing, and the pounding head, I get it.
    2. It messes with your sense of accomplishment. You can (quite literally) buy a home and finish a degree, but anxiety will tell you it’s not enough.
    3. It messes with your chemistry. You always feel like you’re on shaky ground and your saturation point for all of the things is drastically reduced.
  4. Heartbreak sucks. But being disappointed in yourself sucks more.
    1. You’ve learned what’s not worth sticking around for.
    2. You’ve learned what’s not acceptable.
    3. You’ve learned what you’ll tolerate and what your hard standards are.
      1. Sometimes, you’ll end up having those standards pushed against because you’re not willing to put your foot down over the acceptable and tolerable. But you’ll learn from this, too.
  5. The cats (mostly just Henry, if we’re being honest) are just preparing you for motherhood one day.
    1. When they are difficult, they are just testing you.
    2. When they love you with their little ridiculous faces, you’ll forget about how they were testing you.
  6. Netflix has a really strong siren song. You’re maybe a little bit weak on this one.
    1. You’ll wish it was the gym with that siren call, but you’ll also learn …
  7. That it doesn’t hurt the day after, but two days after. And more intensely.
    1. Age tricks you into thinking that you can do it! Your body disagrees a little bit 48 hours later. But you inherently know that if you kept up with the being active, the recovery would be so, so much easier.
    2. You’re willing to admit you don’t like putting in the work and that you long for the days of ballet.
  8. You’re going to lose people. And that sucks. And it will make you question your life a little bit, but you’ll recognize that you’re in a good place and that the little bit of darkness that you feel from time to time will pass.
  9. But most importantly, you’ll question “best before dates” not because you’re a risk taker, but because you’ll uncover a strong need to convince yourself you don’t have a best before date. Now excuse me while I make a tray of blueberry-rhubarb oatmeal muffin bread.

 

Post-script: The muffin bread is delicious. And so far, not poison.

 

* The early 30s constitute the years 31-33, mid 30s the years 34-36, late 30s the years 37-39, because when you’re 30 you’re 30 and when you hit 40, well, that’s a new decade.

uninspired

I am in a rut. So I decided to go on a wild Google chase to see what literature exists out there on being uninspired.

Lifehack posted about it and while I was scrolling through their article, this popped up:

It’s never too late to start over. If you weren’t happy with yesterday, try something different today. Don’t stay stuck. Do better.

Of course it was the prompt to sign up for their newsletter, so I skipped on by (on account of having too many newsletter subscriptions as it stands).

They listed twelve things that uninspired people do. If I’m being honest, I’m guilty of about 5 & 1/2 of those twelve things.

  1. They try to get through the day instead of getting something from the day.* (So guilty.)
  2. They seek entertainment instead of development.
  3. They focus on what is wrong instead of what is right.* (I want to be a “glass half-full” person, but I’m thirsty.)
  4. “What if…?” isn’t in their vocabulary. (This is the thirsty I’m talking about. I “what if” myself to death sometimes.)
  5. They see what they can get away with, instead of what they can do.* (I know what I can do, but I’m not inspired to do it.)
  6. They focus on today only and don’t think about tomorrow.
  7. They seek followers that are also uninspired.
  8. They seek activity over accomplishments.* (I get bored, and stuck in the “what if” cycle.)
  9. They do what is easy. (I do hard things, too, but when feeling uninspired, easy is easy.)
  10. They want something handed to them.* (Seriously, please just ONCE?)
  11. They care more about what’s in it for them than the good of all.
  12. They make excuses instead of taking action.* (See note about the easy stuff. Change is hard.)

confessions of an infj

“Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.” Mary Rakow, novelist

As an INFJ, I don’t fit in. Around feelers I’m too analytical. Around thinkers I’m too sensitive.

It leaves me somewhere in the middle, all alone. And while alone usually recharges me, being misunderstood frustrates me. And being frustrated drains me.